Flight attendant and de man by de bar
A Trini guy, a Guyanese man, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and .. it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The old woman, beautiful girl and the Trini guy are sitting there looking perplexed. The Guyanese is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking : That Guyanese guy must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped.
The Guyanese is thinking : "Damn it,that Trini guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl, she thought it was me and slapped me instead."
The beautiful girl is thinking : "That Guyanese must have moved to kiss me,but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped."
The Trini is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Guyanese again.
Do's and Dont's of Carnival
1.. DO NOT....Attempt to "throw waist" on ah young girl wit' ah 6' 6"
ignorant boyfren'...funeral home close up for de season.!
2.. DO NOT....Drink an' drive... alcohol is ah expensive t'ing, plus yuh
could spill it on yuh nice clothes.
3.. DO NOT....Feel dat de red-woman who smile an' jump wit' you in de
ban' Tuesday, go even want tuh SMELL yuh on Ash Wednesday...ask she husband!
4.. DO NOT....Stan' up in front of dem speakers tuh "get de vibes".. is
not ah walkman an' I eh shoutin' at nobody after Carnival.!
5.. DO NOT....Buy corn soup from ah Rastaman name "Dutty".
6.. DO NOT....Go to ah fete wit' shoes dat have strap... unless yuh like
walkin' barefoot(dis is not ah formal occasion..use yuh sense l'il bit,
nah..!)
7.. DO NOT....Wear white on J'ouvert morning.
8.. DO NOT....Feel you is de bes' swimmer in Maracas Bay... we eh have
time tuh look for yuh till after Ash Wednesday! (AHEM!)
9.. DO NOT....Argue wit' ah drunk coconut vendor because "it eh have no
jelly"... de man obviously know how tuh use ah cutlass! (yuh could spell
'chop' an' planass'??)
10.. DO NOT....Wear ah size "Small" costume, if yuh nickname is "T'ick
T'ing".
Rass: What Does It Mean To You?
RASS POWERFUL
How could we forget a word as important as RASS and its many RASS uses?
1. RASS is a good way to finish a sentence that lacks excitement...
tekki back 2RASS!
Gimme back 2RASS!
2. RASS can be used in biology eg.....
Look pan di gal RASS!
3. It can be used as a warning of future troubles.... cover yu RASS!
4. It can ward off unwanted sexual advances....
me nah gi yu me numba yu ugly RASS!
move yu RASS from me, 2RASS!
5. It can describe extreme pain....
it hot nuh RASS!
me granny gi me some RASS licks!
6. It can describe size.....
yuh foot dem big nuh RASS!
him have a RASS mouth deh!
As you can see RASS is the West Indian all-purpose word.
Use it as often as yu RASS feel.
7. Greeting...... How de RASS yu do?
Fraud.........Yu too RASS tief!
Dismay........RASS!
Trouble.......Oh RASS!
Aggression....Watch yu RASS self!
Disgust.......Cho RASS!
Confusion.....Wha di RASS a gwaan!
Incompetence..A wha di RASS yu a do....RASS-idiot!
Lost..........Whe di RASS we deh!
Pleasure......it nice nuh RASS!
Retaliation...Yu RASS-claat...
And of course..kiss mi RASS!
Me done to RASS!!
NOW.....Go do yu RASS work!!
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. I thought the results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married him anyway.
IF MEN WROTE Advice Columns (FUNNY..)
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get
enough of you! Knowing that there is
only one of you he can only settle for
the next best thing, your best friend.
Far from being an issue, this can only
bring you closer together. Why not get
some of your old college roommates
involved too? If you are still
apprehensive, maybe you should
let him be with your friends without
you. If you're still not sure then just
perform oral sex on him and cook him a
nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight
and gives a great glow to your skin.
Interestingly, men know this. His offer
to allow you to perform oral sex on him
is totally selfless. This shows he loves
you. The best thing to do is to thank
him by performing it twice a day: then
cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior
and it should be encouraged. The man
is a hunter and he needs to prove his
prowess with other men. A night out
chasing young single girls is great
stress relief and can foster a more
peaceful and relaxing home. Remember,
nothing can rekindle your relationship
better than the man being away for a
day or two (it's great time to clean
the house too!) Just look at how
emotional and happy he is when he
returns to his stable home. The best
thing to do when he returns home is
for you and your best friend to perform
oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice
meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to
your husband. If you must mess with it
do it in your own time or ask your best
friend to help. You may wish to videotape
yourself while doing this, and present it
to your husband as a birthday gift.
To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral
sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it
up and should seek sensitivity training.
Foreplay to man is very stressful and time
consuming. Sex should be available to your
husband on demand with no pesky requests for
foreplay. What this means is that you do
not love your man as much as you should.
He should never have to work to get you
in the mood. Stop being so
selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to
him by performing oral sex on him and
cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm
then rolls over and goes to sleep
without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the
problem. Perhaps you've forgotten
to cook him a nice meal
Farting People
The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.
The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.
The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.
The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.
The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.
The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.
The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.
The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.
The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.
The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.
The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.
The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.
The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.
The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the
latest food items consumed.
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not ! faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
Jamaican Translations
USA: It's been a long time since I have seen you girl
JAM: Gal yuh noh dead yet?
USA: Lord, we have lost electricity again
JAM: Lawd Gad current lack aff again to rahtid
USA: This meal is not too bad.
JAM: Di food can eat
USA: Where did you buy that awful Bracelet Cindy
JAM: A weh yuh buy dat deh big ole ugly bangle deh misis
USA: Hors d'heurves
JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting you a gi me?
USA: Here Kitty kitty.. get down from the roof
JAM: Hey dutty puss come aff a di house tap before a buss yuh rass
klaat!
USA: I think something is wrong with Susan, she might have the flu
JAM: Lawd gad obeah tek up suzie!
USA: Oh My God, I just broke mom's expensive plate.
JAM: Lawd mi gad, mi bruk up mama stoosh crackry
USA: aren't those pants a bit short
JAM: you did a expect flood or yuh tek yuh measurment inna wata
USA: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that?
JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango
dem.
USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that.
JAM: Aye buff teet bwoy, tap fling up-fling up mi bag dem suh man.
USA: I wish you would quit lying.
JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad.
USA: Lift the hood of the car for me John
JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta!
USA: I am waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long
JAM: But wait, no Robot naah run todey!
USA: Get me a pop please
JAM: Beg yuh carry wan Aerated wata fi mi deh
USA: It's time for a Perm
JAM: Gal yuh head waan Cream, yuh noh si how it tough?
USA: Yuck!! This is nasty.
JAM: Kiss mi neck back!! What a sinting tase bad an incipid.
USA: I wish you would close your mouth.
JAM: Yuh mout come in like when grip cyaan shut.
USA: Girl, your acne is terrible.
JAM: Massa gad, pickney, yuh face bumpy-bumpy an fayva grayta eeh.
USA: Please make some room in the bus so this man can sit.
JAM: Schoolas, small up unnu self man mek daddy siddung.
USA: I have a stomach ache
JAM: Mi belly ah gripe mi
USA: These mangoes look a bit over ripe
JAM: Missis move fram in front ah mi wid dem fluxy mango deh
USA: He has very large full eyes
JAM: Wat ah bway fayva patoo
USA: He has no manners
JAM: Im dont have no broughtupsi!
USA: perspiration odour
JAM: him smell green
USA: poached (boiled) chicken
JAM: dat deh sinting nuh start cook yet
USA: oh, dear
JAM: ee-eeeee
USA: Josh is suffering from Attention Deficit disorder
JAM: Di pickeny too dam hard ears!
USA: He has a touch of Dyslexia
JAM: What a bway Dunce sah!
USA: I need a bottle of Peptobismal..my stomach hurts
JAM: Lawd mi coulda do wid a wash out yah now .. mi belly bine up
USA: That man over there is missing his dentures
JAM: Cooh pan dat deh mashmout bredda ova deh soh
USA: OH my your feet are so ashy...
JAM: yuh foot tuff like aligata back...yuh couldn't rub likkle
cocanat ile pon yuh foot dem...
De Donkey
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw: As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off. The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up! Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred. 2. Free your mind from worries. 3. Live simply. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less. O.K., that's enough of that B.S. ... The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the shit out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbor's farms and kicked the shit out of them too for helping. The REAL Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.
Guyanese Joke
A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A GUYANESE FREND CAUSE DE DAM TEARS IN DE FUST PLACE
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
A GUYANESE FREND KNOW WHEA DEY LIVIN, WAT DEM COOKIN', ON WAT DAY, AN WILL SHOW UP AT THEY DOORSTEPS TO EAT IT
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and clean.
A GUYANESE FREN COME LATE, BRING A BUNCH UH PEOPLE AND DEN EAT ALL DE FOOD AND DRINK ALL DE RUM
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
AH GUYANESE FREN SCREENIN DE CALL AN DONT ANSA WEN IS YOU
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about their problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A GUYANESE FREND WILL LISTEN TO YUH PROBLEMS AN CRY WID YUH, EVEN OFFA TO HELP YUH, DEN TELL EVERYBODY, AN ADD A LIL JUICE TO IT
Woman From Back Dam
A west-Indian woman, from way behind the back-dam, leaves Guyana for the first time to visit her son in the USA. She arrives at Miami airport immigration and, as expected, she has no idea what the immigration card is for. The officer, in disgust, begins to fill it in for her. "What is your name ?", says the officer "Meh name BABY", she replies with a smile "BABY ??". He looks at her. She smiles at him again confidently. "No, What is your whole name?", he asks again. "Meh name BABY, sah", she says with a slight annoyance. "No, NO, what is your WHOLE name", he says again "Meh whole name ???". She repeats his question as a question. "Yes, your whole name". He thinks 'at last I got through'. She looks down, feels awkward and remains silent for a while, and says: "Sah, meh hole name POKEY !"
